Jokes of The Week by the NvUs Life.com

Coming Home Late
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, because my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
The Condom Shelf
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
His First Time
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!" The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?" The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!" The bartender congradulates him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house." The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
No More Drinking
A depressed-looking regular enters a bar and orders a Coke. The bartender asks why he doesn't want his usual shot of whiskey. "I quit drinking," the man replies. "Last night I blew chunks." "What's so horrible about that?" the bartender asks. "Everyone gets sick once in a while after a long night of drinking."
"No, no," the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."
Pinocchio the Lover
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"
"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?" ....

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Jokes of The Week by the NvUs Life.com